I would love to know what you think...............
Hey everyone. I haven't blogged in a while. Like I said in previous blogs, I am hibernating because I am pregnant with baby #4. All is well with little ?? and I am feeling more energetic lately but still seem to have to take that nap.
Anyway, the other night I spoke at a local Women's Organization about the Circle of Sisterhood, which is the first chapter in my book, What a Difference a Day Makes: A Survival Guide for Women. The talk went very well and a few women purchased the book.
The next day, I received a very interesting email from one of the women. I responded promptly, as you will read, and feel I was very diplomatic. Nonetheless, she brought up some issues that she felt necessary to voice immediately regarding Chapter #8 in the book. The title of the chapter is "You've Lost that Lovin' Feelin'." I am posting the email she sent, leaving her name out of course, and my response.
Please feel free to be honest regarding this blog. I have to be honest. I love the controversy and feel that it is wonderful that someone would feel so strongly about my book. Whether that feeling be positive or negative isn't the issue.
So, hold onto your bootstraps, away we gooo........
Kerri, It was a pleasure to meet you and chat with you at the Working Woman's Forum. I love your enthusiasm and sense of humor. When I got in bed I read your book. While I realize that your book represents your personal opinions. You write of a system for living that you claim works for you, which is good for you BUT, in general terms, I found your book, your philosophy and your methods for living a happy life to be seriously disturbing. There is absolutely nothing empowering about submissiveness. Perhaps a better title for your book would be "How to use sex to manipulate your husband" Basically you suggest that a good marriage exists when a man provides for his family and a woman provides him with sex on demand. This thinking is, as you suggest, simple. It is also antiquated, unenlightened and represents the lowest level of human existence. All humans have basic needs - financial, physical/sexual, intellectual, spiritual, emotional. To expect one person (your husband) to fulfill all of your needs is unreasonable - this is where having women friends can be fulfilling. I could go on and on but what I wanted to express to you most was how risky it is for women to accept the thinking that they must satisfy their husbands sexual needs in order to have a good marriage. This would be ideal if the wife, genuinely wanted to share herself with her husband in that way every time he was "in need". Women have the right to say no to anything that they do not want. You say be honest, how honest are you when you are acting out of fear of loosing your financial provider? How do you suggest women realize they have value as individuals if you believe they are only valuable as sex objects to their husbands. You say "My husband is my rock and my children are my life" - wouldn't it be more appropriate to say my husband is my sugar daddy and therefore I have a nice life with my children? While I admire the fact that you stand up and proclaim yourself in these matters, I honestly fear for the women who may suffer from a lack of self esteem who ignore your disclaimer and put your ideas with respect to being submissive to their husbands (or men in general) into action in their lives. Wrong direction, sister! I'd love to talk to you in more detail Kerri. I hope you will contact me.
Now, here it my response......
Hello,
I am very sorry that you were so negatively affected by the book. Luckily, it is my opinion and is a system that worked for me and apparently many other women who have read the book. I honestly must say that your response is not the norm and I have obviously struck a chord with my chapter on spousal relations. Did you read the rest of the book or did you just focus on that one chapter?? My book is not only about fulfilling a husbands needs. That is one chapter and I have a feeling that something is going on here that I am not aware of. I hope you will look into that.
I welcome your comments because they help me realize how wonderfully different we all are in our opinions and life choices. To refer to my husband as my "sugar daddy" is somewhat underhanded and cruel, but again, I welcome what you have to say because whenever someone puts their opinions and way of being out there in the universe, they are exposed to criticism. I guess it would be easier to sit at home and just be critical of everyone else who is trying to make a change in the world.
As for a financial provider being the sole reason why I would be happy is just plain silly and juvenile. My happiness stems from a solid marriage, meditation, friendship, etc. To take a wonderful statement about my family in the dedication and twist it into something negative and sordid is disturbing to me. But luckily we are able to voice our opinions freely and openly. Again I would suggest you look into why you were just SO disturbed by the sex chapter.
I am very financially sound and if were left alone tomorrow, would continue to live my life as I am now, being very capable of supporting myself and my children. Luckily, because I am not selfish and SHARE my life with my spouse, it is very unlikely that this will happen.
Being empowered does not mean being alone or being so self sufficient that I isolate myself from those people that matter to me most. I am very happily married to a wonderful man who does everything in his power to be a good husband. I am proud to be able to refer to my husband as my rock because marriage is about two people who work together. Not one person who makes all the decisions in the relationship and is obviously the bully. Maybe our descriptions of a "good husband" differ. Would you have felt better if I wrote that withholding sex from my husband and not fullfilling his and my needs until I "felt like it" was a better choice? Suggesting that a woman does not have the right to say "no" is ridiculous and is not found anywhere in the book. Maybe if we all paid a little more attention to what our spouses were feeling, there wouldn't be so much divorce in our society.
Having chosen to stay home with my children is a life choice that was made by myself and I have never had to "manipulate" anyone sexually in my life to get anything. Again I am forced to wonder why this upset you so.
Husbands and wives MUST connect sexually and if that strikes a negative chord, then I apologize for your reaction, but I will not apologize for what works.
I am so happy that you decided to tell me what you think because it just reinforces my decision to write this book and put my experiences out there to women who are in the same position as myself in this time of my life. I am a young women raising small children and LOVE IT!
I would like to say again how nice it was to hear from you. I will be sure to give my husband an extra big hug tonight and tell him how much I appreciate him. The wonderful thing is that he will return the gesture and we will go on with our lives as happy as we are now.
I have no problem discussing this in more detail with you constructively and am surprised that you didn't mention your concerns when I spoke to you this morning. Maybe you find it easier to voice your very crude statements, which apparently flow so freely through email and not in person. I can assure you that it would be a heated debate. Constructive criticism is very different from brutality and the latter is obviously your method of criticism which will be met with the same reponse.
You may assume that I am a "submissive" individual, but I can assure you that is false!
Regards,
Kerri Cartelli
I would really love to hear what you think.
4 comments:
Dear Kerri,
Welcome back! Glad to read your blog after a little bit of a rest!
The letter posted today was quite disturbing to me as well, and I agree with your comments. One thing I know about you is that you are your own woman and a very strong individual...I certainly would not categorize you as submissive!
Marriage is give and take, and sometimes its more give from one party or the other at anytime. We need to be always mindful of one anothers needs, afterall, when we love someone, don't we want to do and be our best for them? This is true not only in the marriage relationship, but friendships, children and certainly in our relationship with God.
God bless you, Kerri, in all you do. You are a fine woman, and I am proud and happy to call you my friend!
Linda
I believe what Kerri has expressed through her writing is that one of her greatest blessings has got to be her husband. I know for a fact, he has loved her, believed in her, supported her and lifted her up ever since they first met. I am sure the minute he put his arms around her she knew she had found the man God had chosen for her to spend her life with.
I believe Kerri is telling us through her writings, that she is excited to not only be a woman, but to be a wife, a mother, an enthusiastic homemaker, and embarking on a new career as an author. She is inspiring and helping women by offering an honest look inside who she is, how she lives her life, and struggles she has faced, the decisions she has made and how she made them.
You see, Kerri was put on this earth not only to be Domenic's wife and Domenic Jr, Anna, Charlotte, and baby to be, mother, and she really just wants to be able to look back on her family - her life's work - and know that she did a good job. Like Kerri, I have always felt that motherhood was my calling, and I always know I am going to do everything I can do for my children because I want to be able to say that I'm doing a good job, with no regrets. Being a mother is more than a phase in my life;for me and women like Kerri, it is a never-ending mission,my calling here on earth. And when the time comes and I'm standing before my heavenly Father, I just want Him to say to me, "Job well done".
As far as marriage, I think the success of a marriage is in large part based on the willingness of each partner to do what it takes to meet the other's needs. I am always astonished at the number of women who either don't pick up the signals their men are sending out or, even worse, pick them up loud and clear and choose to ignore them, as though it would diminish their power to help out. If your mate lets yo know what he wnats and you use that information to hurt him, you've got to ask yourself why you are in the relationship in the first place. Many women do the opposite of what their husband's want (sex or other things) so they won't think they can be controlled, whereas if she would wait for him to come home, crawl up in his lap and flirt with him, she'd have him hooked. If my husband/partner told me exactly what it would take to make him happy and I didn't use that information, how stupid would that be?? VERY! This is where I think Kerri is coming from.
Life is all about choices and you can choose to fight, and be all self righteous or show your life partner how much they mean to you everyday. One thing about men: they love to know that their women appreciate them. Sometimes the best gift you can give your man is the reassurance that his happiness means something to you.
Thank you so much for your support. I know that when anyone discusses the male/female relationship, things get a little hairy. I just think that if we all can keep an open mind and put our love and good intentions out there into the universe, that our relationships would be stronger and none of us would feel alone.
Again, I truly appreciate all of your support and send out my love to you all.
Kerri Cartelli
I love it! Once again, you are right on the money. All jokes aside (and I have many) I agreed with the blog when you wrote it and I love your rebuttal to "anonymous's" letter.
Your's truly,
Sheri
(aka another completely sane self-sufficient woman in a blissfully happy marriage that believes that "givin' it up" every once in a while--even when your not really in the mood-- ain't such a bad thing!)
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